Wednesday, June 5, 2013

A Single Moms Crazy Ranting's: Selfish 101

Selfish 101

Sept 8th, 2012:
     Ran my first "Mud Run" and had a blast! Christa and I didn't get as muddy as I wanted but we still had fun! On our way home they started talking about their plans later that night and I realized that yet again I would have no kids, no plans and be alone.
     Soon they invited my pathetic ass to dinner with their family, not awkward at all right?!?!?! LOL. To make it even worse dinner ended up being for Christa's brother in law...Chris. The same Chris her husband and her wanted to hook me up with a month before. We didn't speak much during dinner but later that night he ended up canceling his plans and coming over to Christa's house to hang out.

The next 9 months:
     Were amazing. Never would I think that any man would want to be with a woman who had 3 young children and treat them as his own. He has been the sweetest, nicest, most wonderful man. He bought Bradley baseball gear just cause and practiced with us over and over to help teach him the rules of the game. Stayed up late building Braeden's birthday present with the boys. Comforted my daughter when she would get hurt or tuck her sweetly into bed. On Mother's Day the kids and him cleaned my car, garage and house as a surprise. He's been supportive of any decision I've ever needed to make and there for me for whatever I've ever needed. He is so right for me and the kids in every way. That's why making the choice to leave him was the hardest thing I've had to do so far.

June 3rd, 2013:
     I fell in love with this man, more so than anyone before. I have never felt this type of love. But I found myself needing to be alone. Somewhere along the way I lost myself again. My life can be very overwhelming, busy and stressful. I manage it very well but it has become almost too much. This past week I realized somewhere along the way I stopped learning about myself, taking time for myself and starting pouring myself into everyone else instead of focusing on me. This was a bad habit I had from my failed marriage. During that time I did things, liked things and agreed to things that my ex husband had. After we split I didn't know what I liked to do, what I liked to eat or what I did for fun. I was just an empty shell.
     I slowly started to learn things that "I" liked. Started to become comfortable with the person "I" wanted to be. All the mattered was my children and I. No distractions. I was lonely but I was starting to become happy again. Happy with myself and happy with how my story had turned out so far. For a long while after Chris and I started dating I was still able to do this but somewhere, something in me fell back into step and yet again I lost myself.
     Losing myself scares me. And I realized that to be happy in any relationship I had to be happy and aware of who I was first and foremost. So regrettably I took a step back from Chris. Of coarse being the wonderful man he is he was supportive, encouraging and understanding. He was always the first to say I needed to take time for myself but I never realized how right he was. Though with him being understanding and supportive of my decision it made my choice so much worse. Am I possibly going to loose someone so great for me? And the kids? Makes me question and doubt everything. But I am at peace with my choice, no matter how hard it has been. Being alone, with no distractions will be good, I want to find myself and get to know who I am meant to be. Sometimes being selfish is a good thing.
I do miss you already Chris :( Thank you for all our wonderful memories and times shared with the kids and I. It takes a GOOD man to take on a woman with kids but also a GOOD man to let you go so you can take the journey your meant to take.
"Everything happens for a reason"....can be so hard to believe in at times.

Xoxo Chris
~Bree Pin It

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