A Single Mom's Crazy Rantings: Faith or Fate?

fate  (ft)

n.

1.

a. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.

b. The inevitable events predestined by this force.

2. A final result or consequence; an outcome.

3. Unfavorable destiny; doom.

 

faith  (fth)

n.

1. Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.

2. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. See Synonyms at belief or trust.

3. Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance: keeping faith with one's supporters.

4. often Faith Christianity The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will.

5. The body of dogma of a religion: the Muslim faith.

6. A set of principles or beliefs.

 

June 10th, 2013
Someone asked me today if Christ was in my life. Yes, Christ as in the Lord, God, Jesus...Christ. I have never been asked this question straight forward with someone expecting an honest answer. It was very refreshing to be asked a question bluntly like that as well.
I can be very blunt and honest when I talk with people. I usually keep it wound down to a minimum when I first meet someone. It's only when I am comfortable with you that I then feel comfortable with being myself. I'm not sure exactly where this comes from (my blunt, honesty) , I'm sure it has to do with so many years of not saying anything and keeping to myself. Or so many years as a different person than who I truly was. But so far everyone I know appreciates it, thinks its hilarious and doesn't have a problem with it. I'm not one of those rude blunt people but I'm the one that will make you spit out your milk with the crazy things that can come out of my mouth....sometimes at inappropriate times. Teehehehee!
I was taken off guard with this question though and answered honestly.
"I'm not sure I guess. There are things I would love to believe in but there are other things that I don't or have a hard time believing in."
Don't get me wrong...I have nothing against any religion or religious people I have just always believed in my own values.
But believing in my own values is where the catch is. The person whom asked me this question was surprised by my answer. Surprised that with everything I've gone through, the values I have, my positive outlook and the way I live my life day to day are very similar to someone who would believe in Christ. Since then I have turned this question over and over many times in my head. Do I really believe in God or a higher power?
I find myself looking back on situations. Every time I needed something it has always worked out. Anytime I needed money, needed help, a sign, a path, a choice and hoped and yearned for an answer, a solution (someone religious might say pray) it has worked out. Every time I've needed something, every time something gives and I've been "blessed".
I blindingly believe in Karma, this I think is very similar to "The Golden Rule". I completely believe and put faith into Karma. What goes around comes around. Do good and good will come to you. Do bad and well...Karma's a b**ch. But Karma is also just a thought, an ideal. It's not something I can hold, something I can physically hold accountable. God is also not someone I can physically meet, see of touch. So is there a difference??
There's also my morals, values and how I carry myself that I can now see why someone would think I was religious.
I believe in "everything happens for a reason" but couldn't that be what a Christian would say is God's pre destine path he has laid out for me??
I believe in "Karma" or Christians "Golden Rule"
My children are a true blessing to me, a miracle from Jesus is how a Christian would see it.
I live my life and unknowingly follow the seven deadly sins; PRIDE, ENVY, GLUTTONY, ANGER, SLOTH, GREED, LUST. Not because of the wrath from the lord but because it's the right thing to live by.
But is there a line in the sand separating the two ways I see it or are they really the same?
This I don't know.
This is what I can't wrap my head around.

Is there really a difference in fate and faith. I'm not so sure anymore.
The last thing that throws me with this battle is if there came a time, hopefully never, where my children were in harms way or ill. You could bet I would do anything, bow down, pray to anyone for their health and well being.
But even with that there is still a lot to consider. Is there really someone watching over us, someone who just one day "created" us...everything. So much to think of.

One thing that can be said, I've never had anyone make me think of something more beyond what I already knew or believed in. Not forced me to think that way but actually challenge the way I though. Had me mulling it over in my own mind. It takes a special kind of crazy to make ME reconsider things ;)

Always true to myself~
Bree

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A Single Mom's Crazy Ranting's: Never a bad day?

June 5th, 2013

I received this message today...

 

"I am shocked and in awe of you... Everytime I see you, you are smiling and cheerful.... I would have never guessed the things you have gone thru, or your challenges."

 

This was only part of the message I received. Along with this there have been a many other people that see me on a regular basis and ask me what my secret is to always smiling, always laughing and always being in a good mood. I didn't even realize until later that I really never...no I never have a bad day. The last bad day I had was almost a year ago.

 

July 30th, 2012

I stood in my best friends hall when I got a text message from my husband. He wanted to make sure we didn't have plans in a few weekends so he, alone, could go to a concert. Wait...what?!?!? And that's when everything shifted, fit into place and I knew. Instantly the phone was ringing and he picked up. The questioning started immediately. The only one that mattered was who else was going to this concert. Time after time I asked who, each time getting more desperate, each time loosing it more and more. Each time he lied. Over and over. I was with my husband for over 8 years, I now him...I knew him. I knew he would never go to a concert by himself. And I knew what was going on, I just needed to hear it.

The desperation might have finally broke him down or maybe it was the tears he could hear rolling down my face. But he finally broke and like a damn everything came spilling out. Every question I asked he answered instantly.

He was going to the concert with a friend from work. Female friend. Whom he'd also gone to the movies with. I start tallying how often he's gone to the movies by "himself", when he started going to the movies by himself. He goes on and on, answers all the rest of my questions. Then I get mad.

Katie shoes the kids outside, I am probably raising my voice now. I tell him to get what he needs and get the fuck out. I give him a time limit, "make sure your not home". The craziest thing that still boggles my mind was his desperate need to explain himself. "Calm down Bree, let me explain" I remember the power behind my voice when I replied, "DON'T tell me to calm down" I don't give a shit if she is the love of your life...look what you have done. The un-mendable damage you just caused. As a human being, as a man you leave first. That was the first and the last time I ever raised my voice to him.

I hang up the phone and sob into Katie's shoulder.

 

Today, June 18th, 2013

Maybe my mind is different than others. Maybe theres a part of my brain that doesn't function right or maybe I have some sort of awful tumor that makes me oblivious to the effects of the bad, negative things that life throws you. Either or anyway I am happy, truly and honestly happy ALL the time. Why? Here's how I see it...there are SO many people with SO many much more worse things, situations, than mine that in comparison my life, my complaints, my problems are nothing and worthless. How can I complain when things could always be SO much more worse.

I'll give 2 examples, 2 beautiful but heart breaking story's, both real and true.

 

First Story, June 2012

My sister in law went into the hospital, pregnant and sick. Hours later they were delivering her very young and very tiny beautiful preemie baby boy into a hospital not equipped to handle him. They had to call code blue on him and his little life was not so bright. They revived him and rushed him to Mary Bridge where he stayed for months and months with many more challenges to follow.

November 2012 (5 months later)

My nephew has now been home barely a month. My sister in law was admitted into the hospital. She had become very ill. No one knew what was happening.

Early January 2012

She is finally diagnosed with a terminal cancer, possibly treatable but incurable. And very rare. She is then admitted into UW Medical Center for treatment.

January 17th 2012 (weeks later)

Her husband was hit head on in a fetal accident. He survived but the other driver did not. The accident crushed his entire left leg among many other possible life threatening injuries. He was rushed to harbor view where he stayed for weeks, then to a rehab facility where he stayed for months. Both in different hospitals with a preemie baby boy and their other teenage son at home.

 

Second Story is more a short video to watch. I cry every time I watch it and I watch it whenever I need to be reminded of what gift my life really has been even with all my struggles. A few things before you watch it.

This is a young woman whom was forced to make a very strong and saddening choice, her mother the week before shaved her head in support. She has a daughter, a husband and has always wanted more children...but will never be able to.

 

These are just two stories that come to mind. There are plenty like them, some worse with not so happy or even tragic endings. So is your day now really as bad as you thought? Mine never are :)

 

Blissfully Happy with never a bad day~

Bree =D

 





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A Single Mom's Crazy Ranting's: The 1st Function

 Attention...Attention!!!

We now have a preschool graduate and upcoming

Kindergartner in the house!!!!

June 7th was a GREAT day!!! My oldest son Bradley sat amongst his class mates and graciously accepted his preschool diploma. Though this was a wonderful day there were also a lot of nerves in the air.
I had asked their father a few weeks prior if we could sit near each other for the benefit of the kids. Of coarse this is awkward for all but I wanted the least effect possible on the kids. How confusing for them to have to go from one end of the room/area to the other. And how unfair for the one parent left childless missing out on the joys of the evening.
My request was not taken..."well" and (with no emotion) I just asked him to think it over. To my surprise or maybe it was just coincidence we arrived and my one set of grandparents were already sitting next to the ex-in laws.
The graduation ceremony was short, sweet, and windy! Caps were flying everywhere and 5 year olds were laughing hysterically :)

Being our first event as a divorced couple (not sure how to phrase that) I would say it went exceptionally. There was one awkward moment for me while standing in the food line. The kids decided to go stand with their father, whom was ahead of me, leaving me standing alone. The funniest thing was I soon realized, while standing alone, that I wasn't even going to get food but was standing their to help dish the kids up. So I left him to dish up all 3 kids (no easy feat) while I went back to socialize with my family and friends. I never would have got the help before so I thought it was very poetic. LOL.

 

Soon all of the family left and it was sweetly just my kids and I enjoying their friends and  activities after the graduation picnic. This is where I learned another life lesson...Never again participate in a pie eating contest :)...unless its GOOD pie ;)

 

The best part of the evening was having friends come up to me and comment at how amazed they were at how composed and at ease I was while dealing with the ex's. Most of them don't know the exact situation but its funny how a lot of people don't need to KNOW to guess correctly. Though I try my hardest everyday it's these moments and kind words that I cling to and cherish the most.

 

My childhood wasn't by any means perfect nor was it awful in comparison to others it still prepared me for being a great single mother. I love my mom dearly and the craziest thing is through out her defeats, loses, and broken down times is where I have learned the most. Sometimes the best example is learned the hardest way. She will never know that with all her hard times, failures and mistakes the silver lining was in the lessons I learned from watching her.

I'm trying to be better than "good enough" :)

(Don't you love my middles winter gloves in this great family pic! LOL!)

 

 

You make life what you want, no one else is writing your story~

Bree <3

 

Click here to view the last installments of "A Single Moms Crazy Ranting's!!

Selfish 101

Memorial Day 2012

 



 

 

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A Single Moms Crazy Ranting's: Selfish 101

Selfish 101

Sept 8th, 2012:
     Ran my first "Mud Run" and had a blast! Christa and I didn't get as muddy as I wanted but we still had fun! On our way home they started talking about their plans later that night and I realized that yet again I would have no kids, no plans and be alone.
     Soon they invited my pathetic ass to dinner with their family, not awkward at all right?!?!?! LOL. To make it even worse dinner ended up being for Christa's brother in law...Chris. The same Chris her husband and her wanted to hook me up with a month before. We didn't speak much during dinner but later that night he ended up canceling his plans and coming over to Christa's house to hang out.

The next 9 months:
     Were amazing. Never would I think that any man would want to be with a woman who had 3 young children and treat them as his own. He has been the sweetest, nicest, most wonderful man. He bought Bradley baseball gear just cause and practiced with us over and over to help teach him the rules of the game. Stayed up late building Braeden's birthday present with the boys. Comforted my daughter when she would get hurt or tuck her sweetly into bed. On Mother's Day the kids and him cleaned my car, garage and house as a surprise. He's been supportive of any decision I've ever needed to make and there for me for whatever I've ever needed. He is so right for me and the kids in every way. That's why making the choice to leave him was the hardest thing I've had to do so far.

June 3rd, 2013:
     I fell in love with this man, more so than anyone before. I have never felt this type of love. But I found myself needing to be alone. Somewhere along the way I lost myself again. My life can be very overwhelming, busy and stressful. I manage it very well but it has become almost too much. This past week I realized somewhere along the way I stopped learning about myself, taking time for myself and starting pouring myself into everyone else instead of focusing on me. This was a bad habit I had from my failed marriage. During that time I did things, liked things and agreed to things that my ex husband had. After we split I didn't know what I liked to do, what I liked to eat or what I did for fun. I was just an empty shell.
     I slowly started to learn things that "I" liked. Started to become comfortable with the person "I" wanted to be. All the mattered was my children and I. No distractions. I was lonely but I was starting to become happy again. Happy with myself and happy with how my story had turned out so far. For a long while after Chris and I started dating I was still able to do this but somewhere, something in me fell back into step and yet again I lost myself.
     Losing myself scares me. And I realized that to be happy in any relationship I had to be happy and aware of who I was first and foremost. So regrettably I took a step back from Chris. Of coarse being the wonderful man he is he was supportive, encouraging and understanding. He was always the first to say I needed to take time for myself but I never realized how right he was. Though with him being understanding and supportive of my decision it made my choice so much worse. Am I possibly going to loose someone so great for me? And the kids? Makes me question and doubt everything. But I am at peace with my choice, no matter how hard it has been. Being alone, with no distractions will be good, I want to find myself and get to know who I am meant to be. Sometimes being selfish is a good thing.
I do miss you already Chris :( Thank you for all our wonderful memories and times shared with the kids and I. It takes a GOOD man to take on a woman with kids but also a GOOD man to let you go so you can take the journey your meant to take.
"Everything happens for a reason"....can be so hard to believe in at times.

Xoxo Chris
~Bree Pin It

Single Mom's Crazy Rantings: Memorial Day 2012

Memorial Day 2012:
     I found myself moving into a house I knew I was not going to make a home. Two weeks prior to the big move date my husband at the time said to me that he didn't know if I WOULD be moving in. Our lease was up at our apartment, I had 3 young children and I stay home with them. I have no money and not a lot of family. Normally the feelings that run through you on a moving day is excitement, exhaustion, frustration and visions of the home you can't wait to make yours. All I felt was fear. Should I be thankful for being "aloud" to move in? Appreciative? I wore a mask the whole day, spread a fake smile across my face and held back the tears. I know this will end, then where will we live?

Two weeks before Memorial Day 2012:
     Yet again, my husband doesn't talk to us, he slept on the couch again and who knows when he left for work. I pulled up, shaking, to talk with my mom. She has no idea what's been going on...
HA...fuck I have no idea whats been going on.
The tears come before the words tumble out of my mouth. I tell her about how bad things have been, how I just brushed it off for so long, about how he just came home one day a different man, about how on Mother's Day he told me he no longer loved me and about how we have no place to live in a few weeks.
"Can we, if I need to, move in with you?"
I hate asking for help, never do it, and it killed me to ask.
Of coarse she was in shock in tears and supported me with whatever I needed to do.

Memorial Day 2013:
     I find myself happy, full of life, smiling and laughing CONSTANTLY! The kids and I live in a tiny above the garage mother-in-law apartment, we have a huge yard, live out of town in a peaceful environment. Things are not easy, there are many times I feel defeated and scared. I work 7 days a week and try to run a photography business on the side. None of the hard times matter though when I look at how far we have come.
     "A Single Mom's Crazy Rantings" is me and my life.(I like to talk a lot, lol) I had to step away from the blog for a bit because when you only have a few moments to spare I needed to take those moments with my kids and for myself. I still talk with a lot of mom's fighting to save their marriages, have lost their marriages in the daily life struggles and mom's that are just on their owns in hopes that one piece of my experience can help them in theirs. Though people tell me all the time I inspire them or they look up to me, it shocks me to know that my little life can help someone else's. That's the real purpose of this blog installment. And speaking of inspiring people, it was another mom that got me inspired me to pick the blog up and write more. Thank you Jamie <3
     Feel free to follow the segment or any other part of our blog. I'll be writing this as a diary installment dating back sometimes as needed.

With Love and Laughs~ Bree :)
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A Single Mom's Crazy Rantings: How do you do it?

It has now been just over 6 months since I've been an "official" single mom to my 3 crazy-lovable kiddos. Day in and day out there are obstacles, challenges, rewards and difficulty.

 

The most popular question I get is "How do you do it?"

Sadly more often than not the person asking this question is asking for advice. I find that my advice is asked most frequently by a number of woman whom are wanting to leave their husband or significant other for one reason or another.

 

It's not my job, nor is it my business, to judge another's  marriage but I am more than happy to give my advice, help, understanding, acknowledgment or encouragement.

 

So "How do I do it?"

I don't.

 

What people see:

I was a stay at home mom until a month after I asked my husband to leave. I have a part time job and live on my own with the kids. Most of all they see that I'm happy :)

Most people see what they want to see. They look at me and see a single woman making it with her 3 kids even through divorce.

 

Here's the truth:

I desperately want to be a stay at home mom for my children so I work a part time job night and weekends. I do this so during the day I'm home with them doing our normal routines. Breakfast, chores, lunch, preschool, sports/activities, dinner, etc. Half the time I leave before dinner to go to work. This means someone else reads them a bed time story, tucks them in and sends them off to sleep. I usually work until 10:30pm, pick up kids and come home. I then stay up until midnight or 1 am working (for no or little money) on my photography or the blog. Even on days I don't work I'm still up until midnight "working".

Then its up at 7:30am and we start all over again. Since the blog and photography don't pull in huge pay checks (yet) I also frequently nanny a couple other kids here and thereto make ends meet. My house is usually messy because there isn't enough time to do anything and when given an opportunity to have a minute to myself I take it instead of doing dishes.

I didn't get much help before, but when your a single mom you get NO help. Each day its you and the kids, there's no more spouse giving you a break when he's home from work. Its only you. There are mandatory breaks every other weekend and possibly a few hours once a week. That's 4 days a month I get a break and even then I try to work as much as I can because there's no childcare costs.

 

For 3 kids I get just over $600 a month, my part time job brings an average of $400. These are the only consistent incomes I can count on. The kids and I get medical and food assistance from the state, which takes the food costs out of the equation. Rent and power average to about $600 a month. Which then leaves me with $400 a month to pay for diapers, wipes, gas, preschool, childcare, toiletries, non food groceries (garbage bags, dish/laundry soap, paper towels, etc), sports/activities, clothes for the kids if needed and other bills (phone, car ins, my medical expenses, debt, etc) Does $400 a month cover these items? NO.

I pick and choose what bills I can pay each month. Or I make smaller payments when I can't afford the full payment.

Some months I don't have enough for the basics. When this happens I have been very fortunate that I'll have a photo shoot, nanny and the extra money comes in somehow.

Living like this might have been fine when your single but not when you have 3 children to support.

 

Another factor that you have to keep in mind is the constant battling over the littlest things with your ex spouse. Childcare, support, expenses, family, cars, debt, kids, jealousy, diapers, etc. You name it and there could be an argument. I choose to disengage or not argue because I hate confrontation.SO I choose to take the higher road and don't lower myself to the argument. If its pertaining to the divorce case at hand then I let the attorney handle it. If its an argument relating to personal issues I don't give it the time of day. Though its hard to not argue back and forth this has been my biggest accomplishment thus far.

 

Then there is the fact of paying for an attorney for my divorce. I don't, I have been borrowing money from family (thankfully for them). Who knows how I'll ever pay that back. SO far the average total for the attorney has been close to $4,000.00 and the divorce isn't even final yet.

 

I have come to realize I can't go much longer than like this.

For over a month now I have been either looking for a second part time job or a full time job. The only difficulties with this are to be able to afford my portion of childcare for 3 kids I have to get a full time job that pays a minimum of $11/hour after taxes. And in this economy there really aren't many options available, and if a position opens up your trying to claw your resume through the competition. This will also means that my "dream job" of being a stay at home mom for my kids is soon over. I'll drop them off at day care so someone else can raise my children then pick them up with just enough time to feed them dinner and tuck them into bed. I'll be like most other working moms where you only get to see your kids a few hours a day. I'm not wanting pity, tons of people do it, but when you have made sacrifices in your life to stay home with your children it just makes it a hard situation to swallow.

 

With today's economy, money seems to be the most important thing in peoples lives. They seem to think that if you don't have money your not happy. This usually is reflected on a marriage. Sometimes this isn't the case and there are other reasons for divorce.

Unfortunately most couples think that divorce is the answer or that the grass would be greener on the other side. This is NOT always the case. And in today's society divorce seems just as disposable as taking out the trash.

While my life is happier now I tried everything first. I believe its your duty to try everything possible before walking away. I tried to make things work, went through marriage counseling but in the end infidelity was where I drew the line. You will not always be happy in a marriage but you made a vow and I feel that you should try everything to uphold those vows.

In the end trying everything may not work or may not be for you. But making the decision to get divorced or spilt up your family isn't something that just pops into your head one day. It's something that needs to be thought about, processed and talked about before any decisions are made.

 

My life is what it is. Its a struggle everyday. But I still seem to stay positive, have a great outlook on life and believe everything happens for a reason. We'll make it somehow and I can't worry about tomorrow when I'm living today. :)

 

SO, "how do I do it?"

I don't! But I'm trying.

 

{Looking for a job ~Bree and J}

 

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New Addition

{A Single Moms Crazy Ranting's}

 

We all know Bree talks...and talks a lot she can do! Usually her ramblings are filed under "Bree's Crazy Ranting's"...until now!

(so cheesy)

With a shocking amount of women asking me "how I do it?" I have decided to dedicate a new label or column you might say on my experiences as I go through life.

Have no clue what's going on, now that I'm not talking in 3rd person any more here is a brief run down...for fun lets go back to 3rd person! LOL!
 

2004 Bree meets Boy

2007 Boy and Bree buy a house

2007 Happily welcomes Baby Boy

2008 Wedding bells ring!

2010 Happily welcome another Baby Boy (screaming)

 

2011:

Boy and Bree Short Sell their home

Move into tiny 2 bedroom apartment

Welcome Precious Baby Girl

 

2012:
March 
Boy starts sleeping on couch

April
Packing to move into new, 3 bedroom!, HOME :)

May
Boy tells Bree "I don't love you anymore" :'(

June
Moved into new home :'( start marriage counseling

 

July 2012:

Boy takes off wedding ring

Celebrate Precious Baby Girls 1st Birthday

Bree takes off wedding ring

Bree finds out about Boy's new girlfriend

Bree kicks Boy out

 

Aug 2012-Current

Divorce papers, tears, kids and I move out, attorneys, tears, court, going back to work, child support, arguing, kids to Boys every other weekend, and too much bull#*$%!

Caught up??

Feel free to follow me as I go on about my daily struggles, accomplishments, battles and more!

 

I'm not trying to do this as a means at getting back or trash talking  Boy; and have always tried to stay above the battles and be respectful.

This is meant to help those women thinking of divorce/going through it/and have been there. These are my experiences and even though every one has their own turns and bumps in the road the process is still about the same!
At the end of the day if you'd rather not read this than don't. I will never again let anyone control how I act, what I say or what I do with my life...so this is very real, very honest and very raw.

Here are a few postings that will also catch you up:
Back to my routine...I guess...
"How are you doing?"
Mondays are for Complainers
You Smell Like Taco's Mommy
My Facebook is Not Your DRAMA
and CARRY on Bree

 

 {Much LOVE ~Bree and J}

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